Big Breath...Here it Goes

Well...Hi....

I am a young mother (23) to a lovely son who is now just turned 1 and live with my Fiance in Scotland.  Forgive the annonymity however I am slighltly precorious about the content of my blog and how it may effect those near to me. You see..I have recently been diagnosed with PND however I'm still not ready to tell anyone...I even considered not telling my partner but felt he had a right to know the in the end.  Only he and my manager (a close friend who to be fair was only told because she would see it written on the sick note) are aware of the situation at present. Before I delve into everything that I plan to do, I feel it is only necessary to give you a bit of my background.

Me and my partner were surprised to find out we were expecting a child last year. It most certainly was not planned and we were not on the best of terms at that particular point in our relationship. We considered abortion but in the end neither could go through with the thought and decided to carry on with the pregnancy.  It was a shock to the families and although both were ok with the idea...neither were particularly elated.  My side finally came round and the excitement grew but I always felts a little bit hesitant to enjoy myself or the pregnancy for fear that someone may assume that I planned it or trapped my partner so I held off...thinking that once the baby was finally here I could let my surpressed emotions go and finally enjoy motherhood.

When I went into labour, it took a total of two days before our baby emerged. He was fine but I lost some blood and had an episiotomy.  There were some issues with anemia and breastfeeding didn't establish the way I wanted it too. We don't live near family so it was only my partner who came to visit me and there were no balloons, cards or flowers adorning my cubicle. I felt slighly neglected truth be told but I should have known better as my partner just doesn't see that stuff as important - just a typical man!

I stayed in hospital for 3 days and after begging to be released went right down to where our familes were. We had to stay at my inlaws as they had the bigger space for us and from then on I really noticed the feeling of sheer incompetence. Obviously, day 4/5 is when the baby blues set in but when I look back on it now, I should have noticed the signs. I gave up on the BreastFeeding as I was with my inlaws I didn't feel comfortable stocking my milk in their fridge or because I wasn't in my own house and had had an episiotomy I didn't fancy going up and down stairs everytime he needed fed. Then there were the visitors. There were hundreds (or so it felt) and I hated that part the most. Not because they were touching him..but that I couldn't feel a connection to the little thing they were cooing over. I felt utter shame when I looked at him, because we weren't careful enough in the beginning and now I had this huge responsibility. I kept thinking about how I'd never get to go to nightclubs or the cinema if it took my fancy or just put my coat on and go to work or into town for some shopping rather than looking for baby clubs or thanking everyone for their gifts.  In saying that, my mother in law did most of the accepting and thanking really...and she had more 'congratulations on being Grandparents' cards than we had 'It's a Boy' but that was mostly down to the fact we were staying in her house.  She actually gave him his first bath aswell...

Anyway, as the months went by I still couldn't really find any connection other than responsibility and I was getting more and more tired and stressed and just grumpy.  My ability to laugh dissappeared and I no longer found anything funny at all. Nor did I find myself weepy at anything..in fact I think since my son's birth I have cried once and that was for something rather epic. It has got to the point now that I am relying on feelings that I know are there, that I can remember, but that I just can't feel anymore...like love. I know I love my partner - I would die for him. But I just have a surpressed feeling of love now. I am horrible to him, and I know that I probably look at him like he is worthless and I really really want to stop. He tells me that I bark at him and also at our son but in my head it doesn't seem like that at all.. I knew I needed help but I was just so afraid of telling anyone or admitting it at all. I didn't want to put my partner under the added stress or my mother feeling torn as she was not able to help me due to distance. I just needed a break.

It all came to a head one night when my uncle passed away.  I was sitting there at his bedside with my Gran on one side of him and his two sons on the other - crying uncontrollably and consoling eachother.  This person who lay on the bed asleep and passing away quietly was a man whom I adored as a child and visited every Sunday...yet I couldn't shed a tear for his passing?  I know people deal with death in different ways however that was a highly emotional situation and not the first I have encountered (albiet I was 14 at the other and it was my Grandad) so I know from past experience I am not as hard as that when faced with losig a family member. I felt nothing. Nothing.

I didn't even cry when I got home from the hospital.

So, I came home and casually made a doctors appointment as I needed something else looked at anyway and mentioned this to my doctor. He has now prescribed me citalopram which is an anti-depressant...he said it was the most common upper around and that it worked by increasing the levels of seretonin in my frontal lobes.  He mentioned that I may feel like I am on medication for the first few days but that I should start to get used to it and see benefits soon after taking it. 

Ive had the medication since Wednesday. Its now early Sunday morning.

I'm scared to take it. I'm scared of how it will make me feel and whether or not it will inhibit my personality (not that I have one at the moment but still..) so therefore I have mastered a plan of action to make sure this transition is as smooth as humanly possible.

1. I am going to begin the medication as of Monday 17th January as this coincides with my partners days off
2. I am going to dig out the excersise bike and try and aim for 30 mins a day cardio
3. I am going to get a new hobby such as crosswords or jigsaws to get my mind going
4. I am going to start going the library with my Son to get him interested and also to start reading again
5. I am going to take my son out once a week be it swimming or to a soft play area
6. I am going to make an effort to cook lots of different meals and eat more healthily
7. I am going to create a daily task sheet to help with my lack of motivation
8. I am going to do something nice for my partner every day - be it backrub or just a cuddle
9. I am going to get up at the same time every morning and get dressed before going downstairs
10. I am going to set 1 hour aside for play with my son everyday that doesn't include bathtime or mealtime

My other stipulation is to update this blog at the end of nearly every day to let you see my progress.

Wish me luck.